Evangelical Consumers vs. Band Wagon Minimalists

I love reading my Facebook feed on Black Firday. It's a battle between the Evangelical Consumers and the Band Wagon Minimalists. I gotta give it up to the people standing in line at Walmart at midnight. They are a symbol for what we truly are. People are consumers. It's what we do. We work all week to fill our immediate needs, then out immediate wants, followed by our future needs and wants. It's just our our nature. I'd like to punch everyone in the face who boycotts Black Friday and owns a dishwasher or a TV. You're not Tyler Durdon and you're sure as hell not Siddhārtha. We are impulsive creatures who rarly resist our urges to consume and reproduce. So to all the Band Wagon Minimalists...If you sell all your worldly possessions, seek enlightment, and update your facebook status from a public library, I'll start taking your cathartic updates a little more seriosuly. In the mean time you can find me at a department store frantically sorting through a mountain of $5 t-shirts trying to find my size.

The look at me generation

Phil DeFranco said it best in a vlog last month.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QbT7GSFMfBQ

Generation Y truly is an overly self important group; focused entirely on how things effect them with no vision for the greater good. We spent so many years in school being told we are special and some day we'll all grow up to be astronauts or the president. Which is essential bullshit because who's going to scrub toilets if everyone is flying to the moon. We use Email, Facebook, Twitter, YouTube, foursquare, etc to broadcast what we are doing and rarely bother to acknowledge anyone elses existence in these mediums unless it directly affects us. We walk right past homeless people as if they don't exist. We believe everyone else is stupid if they don't agree with our point of view. Our relationships burn out because they don't fit the high school romantic comedy movie plot we've been sold by Hollywood for our entire lives. We become easily defeated because we were never asked to try harder or told we failed. If our parents beat us we'd threaten to call CPS as if they didn't have a reason too. Mine should have beat the crap out of me and more often.

It's only at almost 30 that I'm able to appreciate just waking up alive, having a skill people are willing to pay me for, having an amazingly supportive family, and opening a fridge full of food. I'm becomeing more aware of others around me. Their well being is more and more important to me now. Possessions mean less and less. My relationships mean more and more. I'm becoming fearless with my feelings. I'm no longer affraid of rejections. I do anything I can to own the way I feel in hopes its contagious. I wont bend on my principals no matter the dollar amount or the popularity it will gain me. I feel like I can do my part to unwind the selfishness and entire generation has spun into a huge web of bullshit. How focused are you on your self?

Turn the head phones up

I couldn't get into my grove this morning or the last few days for that matter. It's not that I'm over whelmed with problems. I'm breaking my comfort zone and it puts me on edge. I makes me very uncertain. It's completely necessary and I fell so alive but I can't do it all the time yet. When the chaos becomes to much to take I digress into the comfort of music.

Listening to: Dashboard Confessional Pandora Radio

Music is the closest thing man has come to nature. It's a cheap substitute for the the 10,000 ft hike with a breathtaking view. It doesn't even compare to days with mile high thunderheads that let me know how small I am. Nothing has ever been able to replace that feeling. Music is my heroin. It's doesn't fix the anxiety, it staves it off long enough for me to face it head on. When things get heavy, like right now, I run to it for comfort.

Who's to blame?

I remember being 17 and angry at the world. I was angry that "thing aren't the way they were supposed to be." I constantly pointed fingers at everyone else. I would say malicious things to mame just because I had the wit and the ability to manipulate. This was the height of my complete lack of responsibly. It's easier to live with your self when when you don't have to take responsibility for life letting you down. This mindset slowly faded for about 10 years.

By 27 it was very rare for me to blame anyone else. I took extra steps (I still do) to figure out how I could fix or change the situation. I often say things that surprise people because I admit outright I screwed up. I may not have the solution yet and I may continue to do stupid things but the first step is taking personal responsibility.

Because I feel like I've come this far I see finger pointing as a serious weakness. The worst thing someone can say is "you made me do it." Really??? I put a gun to your head? C'mon! Tony Robins talks often about perception. He constantly ask's "Why did he/she react that way to me or a situation?" He then drawn a hopefully accurate conclusion from asking probing questions and tries to rectify the situation. He does this because if he blamed the other person for their reaction then he would not have the power to change the outcome. It's much harder to change someone else instead of yourself.

Buddha said. "All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him."

I choose purity. I choose to be self aware. I choose to take responsibility for my actions and the environment they create. I choose the road to improvement because even though it is a treacherous one, it's a much more fulfilling one than the well traveled path.

If you had parents like mine

If you had parents like mine you'd be 28, penniless, and not have a worry in the world. You'd have a safety net the size of the grand canyon. Every day you'd wake up feeling like you had the opportunity to do anything. That's because I do. I grew up with no wants. My entire child hood was, well...blessed to use a religious word. All 3 of us kids had it well. I don't have a clue what it's like to go without. I don't take it for granted...not any more. I've been given the opportunity to take risks. It's a luxury few people have. It's a mental freedom that I cant explain. All of it is because I have some pretty damn awesome parents. I can't thank them enough though I hardly do in person. Maybe they'll read this. Maybe I'll change the world and have the opportunity to thanks them publicly. Maybe I'll gather all the kind words as I lay flowers on their head stones. No matter the time, they wont be expecting it. It was all done out of selflessness. It's only now, that I have a kid of my own, that I can truly understand this.

I lost a friend today

Today I found out one of my favorite people from my old office died over the weekend. He was a cool ass dude. David was a total no bullshit kinda guy. I don't think anyone is immortal nor do I wish them to be. The death of others passes by me pretty fast. I just pretend I haven't seen them in a while. I deal really well with travesty. What hit me about it was where he was in life. David was in his 50's and amassing his retirement. He was doing very well. I think he left his wife with 7 or so paid off houses all rented. Not that she wouldn't be fine on her own. Debbie took no prisoners. But David and Debbie's plan was to knock this REO thing out for the next few years and then do nothing. David used to always say, "I do nothing very well." He was just years away from his goal. He was also in the middle of remodeling his house. He had lived so conservatively for years it never got done. He honestly didn't care if it ever did. David was happy with what he had. He died knowing his wife will always be taken care of.

Here's the thing. Why do we dream about retirement instead of living for today? Everyone is worried about their retirement because they hate what they do so much. They're always trying to beat the Jonse's. Both parents work to pay for their over sized house, the trailer, the boat, etc. For what? So they can be miserable 90% of the time and spend their entire vacation talking about how much they hate their job. It's bullshit. A fucking airplane engine could fall through your roof and kill you.

I have almost nothing right now except for a jeep and my family. It's the best I've ever felt in my entire life. Tyler Durdon was right. It's only when we have nothing that we are free to do anything. Don't get me wrong, I want financial security but not at the cost of misery. Take two second to look at what you have. Don't be mad there isn't a Porsche in the driveway, be happy you don't have to take the bus. If you take the bus, be happy one runs in your town. If you have a shit job, be happy it's a job. Even if you sleep on someone couch, be happy you have a friend who lets you. This is just another reminder why I have to live every day.

The need to be needed

I don't think I'll ever understand it. Why on earth do women go around collecting men who are into them as trophy's for their self esteem? I've dated a few women like this and it always shocks me. As soon as you put distance between the 2 of you they do anything to suck you back in. Once they feel confident that they can fall back on you, they disappear again. It must be the same as a man amassing a fortune. Once he feels that he has limitless options he can sleep well at night but if it starts slipping he scrambles to fix it. I guess if your biggest fear is being alone your biggest goal would be preventing it. Actually, come to think of it, I'm kinda offended I'm the second choice.

"Hi, I'm, Autumn"

Just finished 500 Days of Summer for the 100th time. I love that the movie was written about the journey not the destination. I love the contrast between the hopeless and guarded characters. I love that it ends in a perfect loop with no real ending because that's what all this is (I think). Lately I feel like a rotting mid west barn on a hilltop with no lightning rod just asking to be struck. For some time I was in a deep depression. I couldn't feel anything. Alcohol only brought out anger and everything else just amplified the problem. I watched every sappy movie and tried all my favorite things with zero results. It was aweful.

9 months or so ago I got it all back. I had the wind taken out of me. I felt like I was gonna throw up for days. Sense that day things have been becoming brighter and brighter. I don't mean becoming normal I mean becoming enlightened. When I drive I role the windows down to smell the air and hear the city. The sun is brighter than it has ever been. Remedial tasks are more interesting. Conversations have more meaning. Everyone elses perspective is more interesting. I can feel the things I imagine. I live for that moment.

In 500 days of summer the writer emphasizes the moments not the result. It's not important that the 2 characters don't end up together. It's important they were together. In the end Tom meets Autumn. He starts it all over. I see my whole life this way. I can't see my self with someone for the next 50 years. Rather 2,3,10 someones that I give it all to. I'll enjoy every moment as I hope she does and we'll go about our seperate ways remembering the time we had fondly.

I used to throw away my ex's photos. That was one of the the stupidest thing I ever did. I remember going to my buddies and seeing photos of all his ex's mixed in with all his other photos. I asked, "does your girlfriend get mad about this" and he responded with, "those people were an important part of my life and I'll be damned if I forget them." My perspective change in the moment. He was right. Why do we try so hard to forget when we can embrace. So...I choose to embrace. I'm put my hand out to new friends, feelings, and experiences. If it only lasts a moment so be it. At least I had the moment.

Preconceived notions

As I get older the life lessons come full circle in a much shorter period of time. Yesterday was a valuable one. I opened my mouth widely and inserted my foot with force. Less than a week ago I tore into someone who was only seeing things from her point of view. I went on to tell her how narrow minded she was and that her way of life isn't for everyone blah, blah, blah. Fast forward 4 days later I, like a dumb ass, did the exact same thing. I probably wouldn't have noticed it if the person I called out didn't say anything and wasn't much brighter than I expected. She was and I spent a lot of time thinking about it. About how often the same thing happens to me. I'm pigeon holed all the time. It's bullshit. Why would I do that to anyone else?

What sticks with me out of all of this is that instead of writing me off as ignorant she put out her hand. I can truly say, now matter how small a gesture, this has changed my perception greatly. It not only has changed how I see her but it will likely change the way I handle things from this point forward. It's strange to think I've made it to almost 30 and no one has ever gone about things this way. It makes me wonder if all I've been doing for the last 28 years is talking over people instead of to them.

Who's Charlie Nicholson?

My blog name comes from High Fidelity. Charlie was the name of Kathryn Zeta Jones' character. She's the way you remember every women you're no longer with but forgot all the bad things about her. She's late nights with your buddies when they ask, "What happened to Charlie? She was hot." It's at this moment you forget how annoying she was when you were together. You had nothing in common. She controlled your life. Getting laid was a task no matter how much effort you put into it. From your third beer until you jerk off and fall asleep she's the best thing you ever had. Then morning comes and you sent her an email, or text, or called, or what ever and can't figure what the hell lead you to do such a thing.

So in short, Charlie "fucking" Nicholson is the ghost of Christmas' past you start seeing when you're a 12 pack deep and the fat reliable chick you call at midnight to blow you wont answer her phone cuz she's balls deep in some other dude who will be ashamed of himself when he cums.

Week nights and bad coming of age movies

Once again I'm watching unrealistic coming of age movies and fantasizing about the hot chick falling in love with the nerdy guy. I grew up on this stuff much like women did on Disney movies which creates an interesting dynamic. When you're 28 years old, single, and "ordinary", you're not much of a prince charming. Not that I wanna be. I like the journey life has taking be on.“Life should not be a journey to the Pearly Gates with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally beaten up, worn out and screaming "...holy shit...what a ride!” Mine is full of bumps, bruises, cuts, scrapes, and the occasional life threatening knife to the heart. I have this rich past with hundreds of stories that so many have never heard. They're not grand adventures but they are mine and I like telling them. So...what's prince charming got on me? That's the question she'll have to answer. I'm just gonna be me.

3 hours and nothing

I miss high school. Not because it was great but because it was a time of self importance. Everything was so epic. I remember how amazing it was when I was into a girl. To quote Down To You, "Tingles and everything." It was simple...I like that chick, she makes me feel this way, I'm going to pursue her. Now, it's none of the above. Tonight I sat and talked to a smart, attractive, interesting girl with worse A.D.D. than me and I tried so desperately to get that feeling back even if only for a second. Didn't fucking happen. The worst part is I'm not sure if it's because I'm not into her or if I'm just incapable of getting there again. I've dedicated myself to going all in again. If I like someone I'll tell it like it is and don't mind the rejection or heart break. If only I could feel the heart break again I could feel human. I seems like romantic comedies and my daughter are the only things that can tug on my heart strings. Seems weird to wish for a girl to rip my heart while it's still beating but I do every day.

It's been a day

I woke up this morning in an awesome mood. I had punk rock on the radio, the weekend was pretty relaxing, and I had a list of things I set out to accomplish. I took the kiddo to school and got my coffee with zero problems. The drive to the office was normal with no change in mood. Then...

My entire demeanor changed as soon as I arrived at office. I'm starting to think it's a toxic environment. As the caffeine wore off my shoulder began to slump. I felt my heart grow heavy as the hours staring at a computer drone on. Not because I was in front of a computer but because I felt it was all for not. Some how, in this HUGE life change I'm going through, I realized how much I HATE selling homes to people I don't know. I dread it. It's not me. I love people and see the good in all of them even as they shit on other people who don't deserve it. You see, people who don't know you personally, don't know if they can trust you. They fight you every day. In their mind you are at war with them and they have to win.

This wouldn't be that bad except now I've been commissioned to higher a whole team of people to do this and I have to train them. I don't think I can do it and I've put myself in a financial situation that I can't get out of without following though. It weighs heavy on me every day and it's getting worse.

There is a bright light to this though. I've found something I love to do. I LOVE the whole YouTube, web personality thing. I get excited just thinking about it. Soooo...how to get from point A to point B. I've got the second half figured out but the first is ugh, a bit tougher.

I think what makes it harder is the personal stuff I've gone through lately. I know I can handle all of this and I've been in much tougher times. I guess it's that I built this new company up in my head so much that I'm seriously disappointed. What's the point in having a great product if you can't sell it. Well...I can't sell me for shit lately.